THE HARDEST THING (NOT) TO SAY TO YOUR LOVER
Click to Tweet:
Last week, I went to a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting in London.
And a woman shared something that I wish to GOD I’d been told at the beginning of my relationship with Joe.
But, at the same time, I know I probably wasn’t really ready to hear it until now.
This is actually something I’m learning more and more as I get older:
That nothing good comes to us until we’re truly ready to receive it.
Not the career, not the money - certainly not the relationship.
And apparently, not even brilliant insights or life lessons.
Because of the insanely fast-paced culture we live in, patience is no longer really considered a virtue.
We’ve been duped in to believing that if we don’t get something the moment we recognize that we desire it, we’re falling behind.
Nowadays, the things I desire for myself and my life are mostly positive.
And the things I tend to struggle with are not the cataclysmic consequences of my former hedonistic days.
(Broken hearts, regular hangovers/ comedowns that made me want to scratch my own eyes out, huge blow-outs with friends, being totally lost in my career and financial life because I was too much of a mess to put any attention and focus on nurturing my purpose in the world etc).
The things I struggle with are much, much subtler – at least to the outside eye.
So, what this woman shared in the meeting last week is not something I ever had the mental space to consider until more recently – now that my life is much calmer.
But, I realize that if I actually committed to putting it in to practice, my relationship with Joe would improve exponentially.
She simply said:
“If you wouldn’t speak like that to your best friend, don’t speak like that to your partner.”
I’ve known for a long time that the tongue really is mightier than the sword when it comes to my romantic life.
Unless we’re in a heated argument, I’ve always been pretty good at speaking kindly to my friends.
(My work there has been focused on making sure I always speak kindly about them, too…)
But, when it comes to how I speak to my boyfriend, I’ve always had a much less disciplined approach.
I don’t think twice about nagging, making little digs – and sometimes, on my worst days, mocking him (and not the OK kind – although I’ll often pretend that my digs are just harmless banter).
I would never say to my friends what I sometimes allow myself to say to Joe (or to myself, for that matter).
That hurts to admit, but it’s true.
And if you’re reading this, I imagine you get where I’m coming from.
If so, I hope you’ll join me in a new tool I’m applying to my love life.
I call it:
‘SHUT THE FUCK UP’.
And, I know it’s time to put it in to practice whenever I feel that impulse rise within me to criticize, mock or manipulate my boyfriend in any way – however subtle.
It’s a fucking hard habit to break, I tell ya.
(But, so was cheating once upon a time – and so far, I’m doing pretty well with that one).
The painful reality is that all those little passive aggressive digs don’t just affect our relationship with our partner.
Because how we treat someone else is always, always a reflection of how we feel about ourselves in any given moment.
So, if we’re committed to practicing self-love, then we’d do well to remember that this also requires us to practice loving the person we share a bed with.
Especially when they’re doing our head in.
I’D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU:
Do you ever find yourself speaking to your partner in a tone or manner that you’d never DREAM of speaking to your friends in?
What tends to trigger you to make digs or behave passive aggressively towards them?
I’d be so grateful if you’d share with me below – I know I can’t be the only one!