WHY YOU’RE LOVING YOURSELF (+ PROBABLY OTHERS) ALL WRONG
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I just read something that stopped me dead in my tracks – and I had to share it with you immediately.
It’s a mindset shift that has the potential to radically improve both your relationship with yourself – as well as all the people you love.
And for that reason, I think it could significantly impact your romantic life for the better, too.
So, you may have seen on social media that I returned from travelling a week ago.
Despite the gnarly jet-lag, I’ve somehow managed to get myself out of bed by around 4.30am most days.
This is because I’ve only got a couple of weeks left until I film the free 3-part love-training series I’ve been harping on about in these newsletters for a while now, so I’m going hell for leather with the writing + editing of them so they can be as good as they possibly can be.
This is what my mornings have mostly looked like for the past week:
4.30am – get out of bed, meditate, do 30 mins of yoga, have breakfast, shower + dress, and then be at my desk by around 6am to start writing.
I’ve got a shit ton done in a small amount of time because of this militant routine, and by the end of each day, it’s left me feeling borderline smug about my epic productiveness.
This morning, that routine went straight out the window.
Because I’d been packing up my old bedroom at my parent’s house till quite late last night (my boyfriend Joe and I are about to move down the road in to my sister’s place for the summer), it meant I didn’t make the 9.30/10pm bedtime that’s enabled me to do such early mornings.
As a result, I slept in – then had a mini-tiff with Joe (that we’ve yet to resolve), and because I was beating myself up for the late start I decided to procrastinate even more by watching two episodes of Made In Chelsea - convincing myself that witnessing the cast’s shambolic love lives was ‘research’.
About 20 minutes ago, I finally managed to drag myself to my desk, on which lay one of my mum’s many self-help books, called ‘Pearls of Wisdom.’
I found myself picking it up and randomly opening it to somewhere roundabout the middle – and my eyes were immediately drawn to this one particular section:
There’s a big difference between self-esteem and self-love. Self-esteem is based on ‘loving myself, because…’ I’ll love myself if I’m good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, do a good enough job, and so on. This is what I call ‘love for good reason,’ and the limitations of this are clear. What happens when I don’t live up to the exacting standards that I hold? The I plunge in to self-judgment, close my heart, and feel unworthy of love. Not a great recipe for a happy life.
We place these same kinds of conditions on our love for other people, as well. We’ll love them if we approve of them, agree with them, or share our values with them. If they don’t meet our requirements, then we shut down love.
There is an alternative – what I call ‘love for no reason’. This is the basis for true self-love and love for others. It’s unconditional love that doesn’t depend on our behaviour or on any other person or situation having to be a particular way. It’s a state of being that we bring to all of our experiences, rather than try to ‘get’ from the world around us.
Now, being in the career I am, these ideas (penned here by author + speaker Marci Shimoff) are not new to me.
But they were presented in this book in such a way that they felt new.
I have no doubt that my inner guide directed me to this specific passage to shake me out of the funky mindset I’d accidentally allowed myself to slip into this morning, having not met the incredibly high standards I’d set for myself.
If reading those words just now also resonated for you in a new way, then I invite you to join me in becoming extra aware over the coming weekend of whether we’re coming from a place of loving for GOOD reason, or loving for NO reason.
Apply this to both yourself, and the people around you:
Can you love - even when you or someone else does something to piss you off or falls short of your standards?
Because, it’s fucking easier said than done, isn’t it?
Particularly – I find - when it involves your love life.
Which is why I’m going to make myself go and give Joe a cuddle as soon as I’ve finished this post.
I don’t want to close my heart when he or the relationship triggers me; I want to use it as an opportunity to try to love myself + him more, not less.
That’s how we transform love from a battlefield in to a muddy, glitter-speckled field at a festival – the very best kind of field, in my opinion.
I’D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU:
Do you ever find yourself loving for ‘good reason’ rather than ‘no reason’?
How does it leave you feeling?
Tell me below <3
All my love (for no reason),