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I can be stubborn.
I don’t like to admit I’m wrong.
In fact, a lot of the time, I’d rather be right than happy.
Can you relate?
The thing is, recently – and most unexpectedly - I’ve found myself slowly softening into the realisation that my past mistakes don’t make me bad, they make me human.
This morning I found myself writing the below letter to an old acquaintance I love very much.
I don’t know if I’ll end up sending it to them or not, but I felt called to share it with you because I have a feeling these words may speak directly to your own experience, in some way.
I’M SORRY I LET YOU DOWN
I’m sorry I was such a loose canon,
An unexploded firework,
So resistant to commitment at times.
I’m sorry I talked at you,
Overshared and underasked,
Stole your thunder,
Kept bringing it back to me
And my never-ending dramas.
I’m sorry for the times you gave so much
And I couldn’t reciprocate
I was either distracted
Or afraid I’d never match up.
I’m sorry I was so consumed with them that day
That I wasn’t able (or willing)
To be present
When it should’ve been all about you.
I’m sorry I could be lazy,
I’m sorry that you were sometimes right not to trust me,
And that I made you doubt yourself.
Most of the time, your intuition was bang on
But I was in too deep and too ashamed
(Even though I was holding a smoking gun).
I’m sorry I got so defensive
Over the most ridiculous, insignificant things,
I was proud and stubborn
(Fellow perfectionist, this I know you get, but I’m sorry all the same.)
I’m sorry I made you feel unwelcome
In some social groups;
I’ve had a taste of my own medicine with this
(It tastes like arse, karma’s a cow).
I’m sorry I was so quick to judge
When you slipped up,
It was easier to hide behind self-righteousness
Than extend the compassion
I so often required of you.
(Besides, you always had more of a moral compass than I did,
Your mistakes seemed to pale in comparison to mine).
I’m sorry it took me till now
To get all this;
That our relationship had to change form
For me to truly value
Who you are and
What you brought (and bring)
To my life.
I’m sorry I secretly resented you
When you started practicing boundaried love
It’s something I never saw the need for
Until I found myself in exactly the same boat
That you’d been rowing in for so long.
Because we’ll always get what we give
(Or don’t give)
Thank you for teaching me
How to give more
Without abandoning myself in the process.
This has been the most important assignment of my life.
I’D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU:
Do you struggle to admit you’re wrong? Why – what’s the benefit?
Writing this letter unexpectedly therapeutic for me; it’s given me more compassion + respect for myself than I could’ve anticipated.
Because self-esteem is the by-product of doing esteemable acts – such as admitting when you screwed up.
I really hope it gives you the courage to write your own letter of amends to anyone you may have wronged in the past (even if you never end up sending it).
If you’re feeling really brave, share your own letter of amends in the comments below – just start typing + see what comes up.
It’ll be as healing for you as it would for them – trust me.
All my love,